Back in the days before computers and the internet, a failed relationship was broadcast through phone calls and the mail, if at all. Now you can tell everyone through your online networks in a single keystroke. In the new world where news is found online and not in print, we expect the latest the instant it happens - with relationships the question is not who you heard it from but "Who uploaded it first?" It is a race to be the first one to declare "singlehood", like the last "gotcha" in the burned out husk of a crumbled romance.
As much as I find it appalling to unleash my own demons onto the unsuspecting world (and my demons are not appealing or interesting), I am hugely curious about other peoples'. I will post on their walls comments like "Details girlfriend!" or "So sorry to hear that, I am here for you" to "Never liked him/her anyhow". And it's all there for everyone to read, and if you are really creative you can upload a picture of yourself doing a thumbs down with the ex's photo.
After the end, do they go back and take out all the photos of themselves with the "ex"? Or do they leave them in there to remind themselves not to date someone similar? Oh the choices. And they get to make them all live and online. In this world of instant gratification, do we also cut our ties to one another so quickly by just a keystroke? Excised from our Twitter, Facebook, Friendfeed, and LinkedIn - you can go down the list; with each "delete" you can shed a tear for each connection now broken.
The difference with relationships made online is that they can be easily cut because there was no physical connection, it's just words and images back and forth - there was no handshake or hug - it is possible to fly away without much notice or care. But those real life relationships cannot be cut so easily, nor should they be. They are real and have history, and should be treated with dignity and honor. The way to heal a broken relationship is to respect that part that was shared privately and to honor it as such because love is not binary but made of flesh and blood. A "delete" is a move of a finger, and a sizable shift of the heart.
Image: Ophelia Chong / Abandoned
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I admit I find it odd to see the "faces" of my near and dear friends lined up right next to mere acquaintances and business colleagues, like Mexican lotteria cards. But in false friendships of any kind, every bit bytes - and for the bad ones - the less keystrokes it takes to shed them, the better - it's open source for all of 'em!
Dear Amp,
It's a mash up world of near and far relationships. However, no matter the connection, some details should be left for the "near" and not "far".
Thanks for commenting and visiting.:O)) ophelia
Well, as one with recent experience, the same rules of denial/hope/anger/consideration etc. that apply in the real world also apply to the virtual one.
As the dumpee there's a certain feeling embarassment relating to failure that the end of a relationship. That, and the faint hope that the miscreant will see the error in his ways. I'm a private person, so immediate "de-facing" of the ex had the feeling of airing my laundry in public. (That entire section might be several variants of simple denial, but you be the judge).
And just like the real world, an inconsiderate ex broadcasting the news indiscriminately can make life more miserable than it needs to be.
By the time I got around to it, everyone who mattered knew anyway (I think!) and for those that didn't my new facebook status saved a lot of difficult calls and explanations. The ex had the decency to let me make that decision.
And thanks for being there, Chonglet!
I'm not a fan of that feature on Facebook.
This past summer, my girlfriend for 4 years called our relationship off. I never linked to any of her social sites mainly because I wanted to keep a fine line of privacy and what we share we share on our own. I had her on my Facebook because we were joining up at the same time. We linked to each other's profile as "in a relationship" and all was merry... until we broke up.
I knew that feature existed. That it shows you what is going on in their private life. After the breakup, I did not want to jump on my Facebook just because I do not want to read my profile saying "In a relationship with so-and-so" to just "in a relationship" because she has unlinked from me.
Recently, she added "In a relationship" in my public timeline and I wasn't shocked but I was a bit hurt. Seriously, is this something that should be broadcast to me, the ex?! My parents never had to experience anything like this if they would have broken up. Would the town crier scream out "She is taken" right in my face?
I rarely have any photos of her in my Myspace or Facebook but I do on my Flickr. I'm not going to delete any photos of her as I consider my Flickr to be my own personal timeline of experiences.
Sorry for the rant but your forum is liberating to express my frustrations with relationships and the connection is has online. Thank you Ophelia for allowing me to get this off my chest.
Dear Stephen,
It can be a great purge of the soul and heart to do it all online. There are countless blogs that attest to the pain of heartbreak. In this new age, is it now a part of healing to "delete" online? Before it was the burning of the love letters, now it's the instant surgical excise of the ex-loved one online.
Ahh stephen, the heart is a mighty muscle and heals in it's own time.
:O) ophelia
Dear Danh,
Off your chest and a gentle pat to your heart. In the old days, memories would be fuzzy, unless you were a diary keeper. Now its all online in complete detail with photos. At least when we get old we will be able to put faces to names. :O))
Thanks Danh for commenting, and your heart heals last, the rest of you is fine.
:O) ophelia
yikes, i'm just about to join 'facebook' after months of prodding from friends . . . i actually just began to sign up last night.
. . . i hope i won't regret it, it's not really my thing, but we'll see. i definitely remember the relationship question: i left it blank.
Dear Diana,
Facebook is a great tool to keep in touch with friends. It's just how much you want people to know. Close friends of course you will converse with on the phone, in person, etc. but with the reach of Facebook you will show yourself to more than your immediate circle.
thanks for coming by, Diana.
:O) ophelia
Lucky for me I'm too lazy and not interested to pay much attention to any of these groups. I would not want to know what any exes where doing. And since I haven't bothered to keep in touch I don't know much.
Dear Lynn,
Its not "lazy" it's called moving forward.And that's a good thing. :O) Ophelia
Call me prude, but I do find it really strange how people use that button on Facebook as often and as casually as using toilet paper. I know it happens in real life, but I’m not one to advertise it to the world specially something so personal that goes out of it’s way to play with other people’s emotions, sentiments or whatever you want to call it. You know one side gets hurt or both. I remember this type of behavior was very predominant in Junior High and how people took delight in the comings and goings of classmates, perhaps that’s what Facebook is all about……
By the way I'm not in a relationship, but some people say that I'm, but I'm not really, so does that qualify me as complicated? Or am I just crazy? My therapist would agree at the later one……
Dear Luis
I believe you are a wonderful "complicated". As much as we love to tell people we are in love, we are just as quick to scream that we are not. Is it all about "us"? And when does too much information become just a button?
I like Facebook for the photos of my friends, their artwork, small whispers of goings on, etc. but I don't need to know everything. Somethings are best shared with the few.
:O) thanks for visiting Luis! xo ophelia
I think the argument that "relationships made online... can be easily cut because there was no physical connection, it's just words and images back and forth" underplays the value of words and images back and forth. Certainly you don't have to figure out what to do with the joint checking account, or argue over how to use Google calendar to make sure everyone knows that it's their turn to pick up the kids, but words are among the most valuable (or damaging) things in any relationship. Indeed, the fact that some relationships-- or exclusively online relationships-- are nothing BUT words can make them complicated or mysterious in some ways that real-world relationships aren't.
Dear Alex,
How true. I love your insight about the differences and nuances of off and online relationships. :O)
Ophelia