As I cautiously pilot the roadways of Los Angeles, I make it a habit to observe the people that cross my path, not only out of curiosity but for the safety of my living breathing physical being. When the "Hands Free" law went into effect July 1st, California motorists were required to use a hands-free device to talk on a cellphone, I thought it was safe to venture out again without the fear of being side swiped by another multi-tasking driver. Yet to my dismay, people are still driving Hands Bound. While dodging Driving While Distracted drivers, I made a list of the most common infractions and texted it to myself while I was idling at the light...
1. The Lazy Eye: Drivers that have one eye on their GPS units and the other on the road. This causes the driver to swerve at the last minute when the road specified by the GPS unit is now a One Way.
2. The Knee Capper: Driving with your knees while texting.
3. The Pointer: Even with the Bluetooth, they need both hands to make their point while driving 80 mph on the freeway.
4. The Pirate: Drivers that search for their ringing phone under the seat or in their bags while driving. "It's buried here somewhere!"
5. The Wedgie: Both hands are on the steering wheel, but the cell phone is wedged between their ear and shoulder.
6. The Blimp: While talking on the phone, they blissfully float from one lane to the next, like a giant hot air balloon ride on a Sunday afternoon.
7. The Toupee: They know it's against the law, so they scoot down low when they are talking on the cell phone so that you can only see the tops of their heads.
8. The Wrestler: Bluetooth gets snagged in clothing, both hands unknotting the earpiece out, while using an elbow to steer.
9. The Auto Pilot: Catching up on the latest Office episode on your iPhone while driving.
10. The Black Hole: A driver idling by the side of the road, caught between dead service areas. They then lurch forward, speeding to the next cell phone tower.
In Los Angeles, we dodge cars and pedestrians like a well choreographed square dance; swapping lanes and avoiding collisions with ease, dancing to a beat of personal cell phone ringtones and the smell of burning brake pads. We know the laws are there to protect us from ourselves, but our nature is to cross our fingers and hope for the best. We are all guilty of one infraction or all of the above, what sets us apart from the rest of the country is the fact that we manage in a city of 1.8 cars per person not to play Bumper Cars from the moment we leave our driveways.
Image: Ophelia Chong / Letterpress & Ephemera
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Is it wrong that I'm way guilty of not just one of these offenses? But hey, we live in Los Angeles. Car culture rules. And so does The Blimp, but I'm trying to get out of that mode. Still, can we do something about our hands-free devices that don't make us look so Star Trek-kie Borgish? I'm not one to assimilate.
Dear Derrick
I am guilty of one of the above, the Toupee. From the outside it looks like Cousin It is driving the car. If we walked the same way we drove, we would be in trouble. I can see the sigalerts now on the Santa Monica Promenade....
:O) Thanks for commenting!
In Chicago, we have "The Exorcist" ... the driver aimlessly searching for an address in an unfamiliar area! The head watches "all" except the road!
Dear James,
Back in Toronto, where I am from, when I rode my bike I was always on the look out for the "Door Kicker", the driver that would kick open their door without looking to see if a car or cyclist was approaching. In New York, I actually saw a cab door blown off the hinges by a passing car. The woman who opened the door,jumped out of the cab into a building without looking back. We all just stood there staring at the stunned open mouthed cab driver.
Thanks for visiting and commenting. :O)
Hi Ophelia, I'm really enjoying your observations... keep it up!
Dear Michael,
Thank you.:O)
It's those silent moments in between the thunder that allows us to see the beauty and beastly.
Thank you for visiting and commenting. :O)
Ophelia
Gotta agree with Michael, this is fast becoming one of my favorite blogs.
Keep it up Ophelia!
Stephen
My personal faves..the toupee and the wrestler. Since we don't drive much here in Manhattan its walking while texting and cell phone talking that can be interesting. People walking into each other, walking into light poles, spraining ankles in pot holes and even falling down open cellar doors just to name a few. I think you should come here and do some observing!
As a devout pedestrian and mass transit user I see all of the above and more from a different perspective on my obstacle course to work. The most frightening fact is that I've seen the bus driver use at least three of the above mentioned techniques at different times.
Dear Jeff,
Bus drivers are not immune from being as careless as the common driver. I have seen some car drivers cut off Metro Buses, make illegal right hand turns in front of the buses and be as rude as to not let the bus into the lane. I feel for Metro Bus drivers, they haul a route from one end of the city to the other, seeing more of the city than most of us. And now with more passengers they have to be able to control the crowding.
Thank you for commenting and visiting. :O) Ophelia
Dear Francesca,
I watched a kid walk into a street pole while texting. I almost dislocated a rib from laughing. I would love to come out to NY and make notes on the differences in pedestrian and driver habits.
:O) Thanks for commenting and visiting!
I can relate most to the Pirate since I have one of those handbags with a zillion zippers.
Another mistake I find myself and others (who shall remain anomonous) make is to miss a turn while being engaged in a conversation. Perhaps we can call these drivers, "Lost in Space"?
My grandmother was a Door Kicker. Someone took the door to her Cadillac off once before she had a chance to get out!
Great column Ophelia, a subject dear to all of our hearts.
I'm a good boy I am - at least inasmuch as I've used a bluetooth since before they were mandatory. Of course this results in a lot of frustrated people who can't understand a word I am saying - so I end up stretching my neck upwards to be closer to the microphone which is attached to the sun visor. Maybe this should be a new category: "The Crane"?
But let's face it (because we basically live in our cars in LA) is that driving has always been way down on the list of priorities while Angelenos commute. Talking on the phone and GPS are just more recent additions to a long list: fixing our hair; berating the kids (or dogs); selecting a CD/radio station; arguing with talk radio; eating; jotting notes on our to-do list... but hey, it's what makes LA, LA.
Dear Elyse,
A friend's dad tried to put his roof up on his Cadillac convertible while driving on the freeway. It shot off and went sailing over the lanes.
Thanks for visiting and commenting! :O) ophelia
Dear Stephen
The passenger seat in the front should be converted to a work table. We rarely drive with people, always solo, so why not?
A nice table with a slot for the laptop, phone, fax, GPS, espresso machine, TV, snack tray, microwave, vanity mirror, pencil cup, coffee holder, change drawer, and elbow rest.
And of course it can slide back to reveal a seat for that occasional out of town guest.
Thanks for visiting and commenting,
:O) ophelia
The bigger the city, the more dangerous I feel it is.
I thought California had a rule on talking on the mobile while driving?
And make-up! Has no one mentioned make-up yet? I once left work late for a gala event, made a quick stop to buy a formal dress, heels and stockings - then changed clothes, did hair and makeup on the way there. Ok - my husband was driving, but still - look what you can accomplish in all that on-the-road "downtime."
My least favorite expression of drivers who are making a left turn into the crosswalk (yes, I have the walk sign) is the large grin (semi-apologetic) and wave (high-five pedigree) as the Escalade barrels towards my body. There is usually a cell phone against one ear so I don't know how they are turning the vehicle. My biggest fear is being killed by an automobile driven by a person with an ear-to-ear smile on their mug. That's not my preferred last vision.
dear jeff
I grew up in Toronto Canada, and at our crosswalks you look both ways and point your finger (pointing to the other side of the street), this allows drivers to see you and your intentions. Canadians for the most part stop. There is even a sign at each corner with a "Pointing Man". When I moved here, I brought this habit with me. So one day I am standing on the corner and I point and I then start walking across the street. The only reason the Los Angeles drivers stopped is because they thought they were dealing with someone playing with half a deck. I guess they felt sorry for me.
Now when I go home to visit, I stick my arm out and point with pride, knowing that everyone watching me knows I am not insane.
Thanks for commenting. :O) Ophelia
Don't feel bad you two. I plucked a hair out of my ear whilst driving recently. I figure you'll all thank me for it eventually: highly unsightly. I must try the knees driving. Ingenious.
hey ophelia,
your reply to stephen reminded me of this, from a couple-years-old l.a. auto show design comp:
http://www.autoblog.com/2005/11/21/la-auto-show-design-challenge-entries/
check out in particular the gmc pad and the maybach...
-jeremy